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It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
~ Joan Rivers
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SCENEsubmissions
June 20, 2004
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Is it Spiritual or is it Subspace? …Six Months of Spelunking with
Griffin [June 2003]
The Spiritual Aspects of Bottoming - By Mary
Two Me's - Poem by Shonda
Websites of the Week
ADMINISTRIVIA
About Sadie and the Mission of this Newsletter
How to Subscribe to this Free Newsletter
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\\//\\//\\/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Summer Reading Series
This is part a series of columns called "My Travels with Griffin."
It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our
mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. Since the series is about
fifteen columns long, I thought it would be easier to follow the story
if I ran them every week in a row. Griffin approved publication of every
single column. Please keep in mind that this story started in December
of 2002. These columns can also be found in my "Art of BDSM" columns
section on my website at http://sensuoussadie.com/columnlist.htm . You
can also read the interview with Griffin at
http://sensuoussadie.com/interviews/griffininterview.htm
Is it Spiritual or is it Subspace? …Six Months of Spelunking with
Griffin
[June 2003]
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Simple human intimacy is also an encounter with the divine.
~ David Guy, The Red Thread of Passion
Last December I published my "Letter to Santa," which read in part,
"Santa, I dream of a Dominant of my own. He is intelligent and creative,
with a curious mind. Tender and emotional, fearless like me, and ready
to go to where BDSM and spirituality swim together in dark waters. In my
mind's eye I see not the package, but his, or maybe her heart, beating
steadily in time with mine."
I wrote this because while I've had perhaps more Dominants than my
share, I still hadn't found one who was the right match for me. You
could say that this letter was my way of putting it out to the universe.
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, that weekend a mutual friend in the
scene introduced us and we've been inseparable ever since. Griffin is a
wonderful partner; emotionally stable, creative, and nurturing. After
three years of singleness, including one of celibacy, I am for the first
time in my life, totally sexually sated. One of the best things that
happened is that I've gone from experiencing subspace for a few seconds,
to experiencing it for a few minutes or longer. What a blessing this is
as I admit I am sometimes jealous of those Submissives who tell me they
were flying for hours. I love that he is spontaneous and will toss me
over his lap for a bottom warming at the oddest moments.
One of the lovely things about Griffin is that the foundation of his
life is a spiritual one, which makes for not only excellent
conversations but excellent scenes. Now and then he asks me if this or
that scene was "spiritual." It's been quite a challenge responding to
that question because spirituality itself is so very difficult to
define, and even if I were to say "yes," it probably wouldn't be the
same as whatever it is that he's experiencing. All of my spiritual
moments have occurred when alone, so I am predisposed to not define
anything with another person this way. Another contributing factor is
that Griffin's approach has been one of a magnificent buffet table; each
scene is a new and delicious meal, colorful and exciting. The challenge
of this has been that without continuity, we have not gone into any one
thing deep enough to see if it resonates on a deeper level. This part of
things will be easier to explore now that we've gotten the basics down.
Just as it takes time to adjust to another person emotionally, it takes
time to adjust to their Dominant or Submissive style.
When I first started out on this expedition I focused on the idea of
pain as a conduit to spiritual transformation because this tradition is
an important part of so many religions, not to mention a popular part of
the BDSM lifestyle. To my disappointment, I most often feel not
transported, but cranky and distracted. However, there have been times
that his judicious use of pain acted as a focusing agent. One day he had
me blindfolded and had placed clothespins on my tongue. The pain was
intimate, closing out the world and bringing me wholly into my body. I
felt a strong awareness of the space immediately around my body and if I
wasn't "flying," I was intensely connected both with him and myself.
While using pain broadly speaking may not be the fabulous transcendent
thing I'd hoped, we did discover how it can affect me in unique ways.
The subspace I most often visit is a much quieter one, a blissful
silence that is a welcome escape from my busy life. Griffin often takes
me there with his healing hands, which pulse with an electric energy. He
sometimes gives me a head massage to the scent of lavender oil, which
transports me to a light dreamy place. I sometimes pester him for more,
or do what he calls "positioning" in order to feel his hands again upon
me. I also find myself in this dreamy otherworld when receiving a
sustained, but gentle flogging. There is something about the stimulating
rhythm that lulls a person. Yet I am unable to distinguish these as
spiritual experiences, subspace, or something else.
Another path to subspace happens when we are closely connected
physically and emotionally, sometimes during a soulful kiss or as I am
coming to orgasm. Once in the kitchen while he tortured my clitoris with
ice. About these times Griffin has said that I was never more beautiful.
Again, I cannot say if there was a God presence, or just a divine
connection between two people. Or perhaps, they are the same?
The third kind of subspace I've been feeling is when he allows me to
serve him though daily tasks that often have little to do with sceneing
or sexuality. When he arrives I usually attend to him through small
things: a shoulder rub, serving him dinner, listening carefully. All
this allows me release from the chattering crowd, a gentle quiet place
of uncomplicated attention. Although perhaps not profoundly deep, these
quiet times sustain me more than he could know. To the extent that
serving is part of many religious traditions, serving Griffin also
brings me grace.
Part of the challenge is that Spiritual space and subspace are so
similar in the way they present. You could argue that the connection I
felt is the same connectedness I feel with God during my private
spiritual moments. My friend Susan suggests that I try "not to get
bogged down in the label of what is and is not spiritual and enjoy it
for what it is." She adds that, "If you're enjoying what Griffin does
with you, that's a gift and, therefore, spiritual experience. Not all
spiritual experiences have to be uber intense. They can be light and
refreshing, too." I like that; it's not unlike an Italian ice on a hot
summer day.
I often wish that I was more in tune with the healing techniques that
Griffin uses, but the truth is that many of them just aren't ringing my
bell. I worry that he is disappointed that I am unable to remember the
location of my chakras, not to mention their colors and meanings. Will
he be discouraged that the pain he so enjoys inflicting on me leaves me
tired rather than transported? Does he throw his hands up when I see in
his animal spirit cards not archetypes of energetic meaning, but
indifferent graphic design? Or perhaps I'm focusing too much on the way
of things and not giving him credit for knowing those are only tools,
and nothing in the way of real connection. He did said to me once that
"Form makes no difference to me. The form is the ceremony which is there
to guide us. If you get caught up in the ceremony you miss the whole
point."
There I was, thinking that my spiritual/BDSM experiences would be
glorious, with perhaps a crack of thunder and an opening of the heavens.
It turns out that my uber experiences, such as they are, are not unlike
my real-life spiritual experiences. No Godly moments of lightening, but
rather a quiet settling graciously into my mind and soul.
Perhaps my mistake has been in looking for glorious transcendent
moments, and along that way missed what is right in front of me, what
author Deborah Addington calls the "Body Between." She writes, "When we
exchange energies, we create a third entity: the Body Between. It's that
Body that lets us get as close to god as possible while wearing skin." I
love this idea because it makes sense of the conflict of exploring
spirituality through our bodies, which are by definition limited to the
physical plain. If the Body Between is the way that Spirituality has
manifested in my life with Griffin, then whether all those things were
Spirituality or subspace is just semantics space. Perhaps the fact that
his heart does indeed beat steadily in time with mine is what makes this
coincidence more than just a coincidence, and really the best present
Santa ever gave me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene
(http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and
leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at
www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and
that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows
reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright June 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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The Spiritual Aspects of Bottoming
By Mary
allingoodtime53@hotmail.com
Lying before him nude on the table I calmed myself. There was no more
waiting. It was to begin.
Other than a hug or a light touch on the arm we had never had any type
of physical contact. Now I lay before him. On my back. Naked physically,
emotionally, psychologically, and most of all spiritually. In a
discussion before our first session he explained that he gave his bottom
a light massage before he started a scene. I understood the
psychological aspects what he did. I didn't really understand with his
touch he took possession. His touch was the most electric, sensual,
soothing touch I have ever experienced. He had told me he would give me
a light massage before he began. He said it helped the bottom to relax.
NOT. He missed his judgment on that one. When he ran his hands over me
after his initial Reiki treatment there was a complete relinquishment on
my part. I was somewhat surprised that he had not penetrated me in some
way during that initial contact. Surely he knew it was a very possessing
act he committed with the massage, any kind of penetration would only
have cemented it further. With his touch he took possession. He had
blindfolded me. Later I was to regret not being able to look into his
eyes as he too possession. I was still. Every movement, every sound,
every sensation burned itself into my soul. I would never be the same
again, not that I wanted to be. The quest had begun.
I knew that he was going to cane me. This session would probably include
other experiences but it would start with sensuous caning. The words are
a dichotomy but it works. I heard him pick up the canes. . This man had
taught me to use them when he taught me to top. I knew I was bottoming
to a true master. They gently caressed by skin. I knew their power to
inflict pain but this was about pleasure. Two canes. Over my breasts.
Across my stomach. Down. Over my legs. And back up to my already hot and
wet pussy. I wanted to open my legs to him, to the power of the canes he
held in his hands but that was control. If he wanted my legs spread he
would spread them. When he used them gently to slap my breasts I could
feel my control slipping further and further away. When the tip probed
my clit, I wanted nothing more than to give myself to him completely,
whatever that meant. I was definitely in the moment. Experiencing each
and every touch. I wanted it to go on forever. When he stopped I wanted
to cry out for more.
I also wanted to cry, literally. Not something I do easily or often. I
found I liked the gentleness of the canes. The kindness of the man who
used them. That tore at me much harder than any cane, whip, or other
implement of pain/pleasure could.
He told me, in discussion after our first session, that he had almost
vaginally fisted me during the first session. I had sensed his desire to
do that and had been disappointed when he had not. Being fisted was a
driving fantasy of mine. One or two had tried but none had succeeded. To
have this man, soul mate, Dominant, friend, student be the first took
the fantasy to a whole new level. Its power increased. Fisting had long
ago taken on the image, for me anyway, of a very symbolic joining of two
individuals. Anyone, well almost anyone, can have intercourse but
fisting is different. It takes more skill and more physical
accommodation to fist. The fact he considered fisting me during our
first session struck me as ironic. He had always talked about
progressing slowly when he topped an individual for the first time so he
could learn to the body language of the bottom. That he would consider
it on our first encounter as top and bottom seemed out of character.
From sensual caning to fisting is a pretty big departure.
It seemed to me he was moving much faster than I had expected. I had
told him the night I arrived that the 'idea' of being fisted was very
erotic for me. When I sensed he was considering it I wanted his
beautiful hand inside me more intensely than I thought possible. I had
come to bottom to him. To push some limits, As spirit directed, to learn
and move on. Now I was seeing a whole new dynamic. A bond way beyond our
preexisting close relationship.
I had come with the idea that I was to lay down control. My life over
the past year and one half had been very demanding on all levels. I had
taken care of my mother in the aftermath of two strokes. That in itself
had pushed so many of my limits and not pleasurably either. I felt I had
aged 100 years through the experience. I had had to be in control.
Responsible for her care. I continued to feel that need even after she
transitioned in July. In the four years since my husband's death there
had been no one to take care of me on any level. I had shut down some
emotions. To find balance again I had to trust someone even in a very
minimal way to assume control. This friend was the only person I felt I
could trust to take that control for me, even for a little while. On the
vision or healing quest I was to allow him past my defenses, not an easy
thing for me.
I had told him I was placing no limits on our time together. Not
something I would do in a normal relationship and certainly not in a
BDSM scenario. I knew him well however and while I had never bottomed to
him before I had absolute trust in his judgment.
After a short break and some lunch, laced with much discussion we
returned for another session. He had had his sub help me prepare the
room the first time we played, this time I was to do it myself. I caught
myself now wanting that part of the reality of bottoming. It brought
back my problem with many of the dimensions of submitting that I have
difficulty accepting. I don't have a problem with serving, well in some
ways, but this was pushing me. JI have met so many submissive women that
cease to be in the process of serving. I find that problematic. I was
bottoming for growth, not to give up who I had become. The impact of my
resistance surprised me. I had not anticipated it. I got his tea, his
juice. Something I would enjoy doing if I had not been expected to do
it. Go figure. Ok so I was here to work and some of the issues were
obviously not what I expected..
I cleared the room energetically. Selected the music. Burned the white
sage. And was ready for the next session. He directed me to lay on my
back. I knew he was going to be doing a more intense form of caning this
time. The caning was not as intense as I had expected physically. He
asked me about the intensity a couple times. I found l really liked it
on my back although it was not done very hard. There is a draw for me on
the back. I have not figured out what it is but I know I will somewhere
down the line. He worked my thighs and buttocks and there was some pain
but I did not find it difficult. Of course the fact I was laying down
certainly made a difference in intensity. I did not find it particularly
stimulating but was very willing to participate. I had hoped he would
push me into subspace. I could have the release I sought and be nicely
on my way. He stopped.
When I felt the cotton ball with its cold sensation and smell of alcohol
across my shoulders I knew what was next. I felt him pinch my skin as he
prepared to push the needle through. I had said in the past I would not
do needle play but there were no limits now. I winced. It was not so
much that it hurt all that much, I just couldn't seem to help wincing..
I admitted to myself that I didn't like it all that much but this was
not about what I liked or didn't like but it was about giving control of
my body, mind, and spirit to another human being. He was in control and
I was not about to object. Even though I did not like the sensation, the
idea of submitting to his desires was definitely turning me on sexually.
The knives were next. I liked having him probe my groin area with their
point. Scraping my skin was a neat sensation. At one point he grabbed my
hair and pulled my head up and ran the knife over my throat. I knew I
trusted him before I even called him to ask him to top me but I realized
with that action just how much I trusted him. I have had surgery where
they actually cut my throat. It left me feeling very vulnerable and has
been a sensitive area for me since. I did not feel threatened by the
action just total trust. I also laughed to myself. Better not let him
know that all I had felt was trust. I knew he could change that in a
heartbeat.
When he directed me to roll on my back I knew what was coming. He spread
my legs. I heard the glove snap as he put it on. The Vaseline was cold.
He had told me that when he fisted someone that he worked his hand in an
in and out motion. I was getting my penetration. I could not spread wide
enough for him. I tried to shift position to facilitate his entry. I
worried about my bowels. I had been told that one should have an enema
before a fisting. God why did the mundane have to enter into this
experience. Because the mundane is in everything even the awesome. When
he told me that I had his fist inside me I felt it was the most
important thing I had ever done in my life. The fantasy was a reality. A
much greater reality than any fantasy could ever be.
Having his fist inside me was an awesome feeling. He had planted his
seed, and the result was the birth of a whole new bond in our
relationship. He was the first. It was more intense than loosing my
virginity. It was more significant than birthing a child. As a friend he
is always in my heart but now we have created a new dimension to our
relationship. One I am at a loss to describe except to say he is now a
part of all that I am as I am a part of all that he is. It was born out
of one hand being planted deep within my being.
I felt honored that he allowed me to give him Reiki treatment the next
day. During that session I found myself on my knees at the head of the
table. I leaned my head on the table with my crown chakra pointed toward
his. I was in an Egyptian time. The message was he needed his queen. I
did not give him that message because I was suspect of its origin
because I found myself wanting to be her. At the foot of the table I
felt the need to kiss his feet but resisted. Three things stopped me.
First, I felt it would be bringing my intense sexual tension into the
treatment and I did not want to muddy the lines. Second his 24/7
submissive woman was sitting there and she seemed threatened enough by
our play the day before. I did not want to cause her any pain. Thirdly,
it seemed out of place with the Reiki. From the perspective that time
allows I believe the urge may have originated from my frustrated desire
to verbalize that I was commending myself body, mind, and spirit into
his power as I had planned to do before the next work session, a session
that never occurred. Now I am not sure that is what it was but….
That evening he and I went to a Reiki Circle that he attended
periodically. At the Reiki circle that night he did Reiki on me. Other
than the day before when he did some Reiki on me before we started to
play he had only done Reiki on me once before. Right after I attuned him
to Reiki over two years prior. I felt so honored to have him give me a
session. He said he felt there was something I needed to tell him. I
dismissed it at that time because I thought that perhaps it was the
areas I had addressed the concerns that had presented themselves in my
journal that morning. Most of which I had already discussed with him. It
did not occur to me until three days later that it might have had to do
with the message about his queen. I have shared that since.
I stopped at the Natural Stone Bridge in Virginia on my return trip to
Vermont. I was not sure why I did. Logic told me that I should just keep
traveling. I had a long way to go and I had already lost a lot of time
when I drove into the city to get my son some pictures of the Charlotte
skyline.. I resisted but the message was strong. I stopped. It was
wonderful to wonder along the brook, listen to the water moving in and
around the rocks. See the squirrels bury their acorns. It was necessary
for me to get back into the present. To be shown that life goes on even
though my live had altered dramatically. It broke me from Charlotte and
my friend. Reminded me to stay in the moment. Now is all I have. When I
returned to my car I was again centered and calm.
I have to work at compartmentalizing my reactions to our play – I think
work would be a more appropriate term. Somehow in the process I
developed a dependence on my friend – a transference I did not expect.
There has always been a bond but and there always will be a bond but
adding this aspect to our relationship has triggered a need in me. It is
a vulnerability, a sense that an integral part of myself is missing and
he is that missing part. It is a desire to share other aspects of my
life with him. It is a need to be cared for by him and to be gentle with
myself as I heal, assimilate and integrate, as one would be after major
surgery. It is a freedom and a loss of freedom. It is sexual and
non-sexual. It is earthbound and boundless. It is a small aspect of the
physical that transcends all boundaries. It is a death and a birth. It
is the big picture of the eagle and the transcendence of the hawk. It is
the need to grasp it close and the lesson of letting go. We didn't play
all that hard but the effect is larger than any welt could ever be.
As one coming back from a retreat, the processing is emotional,
physical, psychological, and definitely beyond the everyday world as we
know it. I have let myself experience it all. Knowing out of the pieces
comes a new strength. A vision quest for sure, pulling the pins through
my skin would be nothing after this quest.
The trepidation I experienced before I called him to ask him to top me,
and agitation through out the ensuing days was easy compared to the
thought of working together again. I will know what awaits me next time.
It is not the physical pain or intimacy that will be my undoing. I look
forward to that with bated breath. I like the physical aspects of this
relationship. I know the floggers and the whip will become real time
friends. I look forward to the cutting or whatever else he chooses to do
or not do to and with my physical form. I eagerly await the
psychological aspects of our work together. Pushing and stepping over
existing limits. Fun although difficult.
The emotional and spiritual bonds are going to be my most difficult
areas. I found it unnerving when he was particularly gentle. It was then
that I was most vulnerable. I have a very difficult time accepting
genuine kindness or allowing someone to care for me. I push it away as
my heart clamors for more. Go figure. This intrigues me. I know I have
grown as a person and even though essentially I am already comfortable
with who and what I am. I accept my weaknesses with the intent of
turning them into strengths. To find myself still emotionally so
vulnerable was a surprise. How can I accept the love of the universe if
I have difficulty accepting the gentleness of another human being. A
friend, mentor, soul mate, and top. If I can't accept it from another
then I must not have it within myself. Shit. I see lots of work around
this aspect of the lessons.
The spiritual connection is the most potent of all the aspects of our
work together. It is because of our absolute connection on this level,
with its accompanying absolute trust, that I knew there are no limits
between us, nor will there be. Whatever unfolds in the future is exactly
as it should be. Wayne Dyer talks of the spiritual including the
knowledge that we are souls with bodies. I am not sure that my friend
and I are not one soul in two bodies, so close do I feel our bond to be.
Stepping into another meeting will be much harder than the first
encounter. I will know more of the power he wields over me. The physical
pain is so easy when compared with the total undoing of gentleness.
Foolishly I thought this was about experiencing the pain as a step into
an altered state. The altered state, in this case, was the union of the
two individual souls into one or maybe the reunion.
I am left to wonder how some bottoms can go from one top to another. I
guess it must be a difference in the experience. Not necessarily better
or worse, just different.
I have a new admiration for his strength. I also sense a new
understanding of his vulnerabilities. He spoke of the rush he felt when
he was fisting. The knowledge that the person could not go anyplace
without his consent. Does he miss the fact that control was there when
first he placed his hands on my shoulder, the same absolute and total
control. A control freely given.
~~~
Copyright 2004
This article is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the
author. If you would like to share it with others, please link directly
to this page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of
copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that
permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than
20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\\//\\//\\/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Me's
By Shonda
BludLust70@aol.com
I see two me's in my mirror.
One of them, everybody's friend.
That one is responsible, a hard worker, a Sunday school teacher.
She is the good me.
She is the one I show the world.
And then, there is the other me.
The one ruled by darkness.
The one that pushes me to seek pain, for enjoyment, to have another
control me.
It makes me wonder,
which is the real me?
Or if either of them are.
And I think, maybe the two me's I see
aren't really two at all.
Just one, with two faces.
~~~
Copyright 2004
This poem is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the author.
If you would like to share it with others, please link directly to this
page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of
copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that
permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than
20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\\//\\//\\/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Website of the Week
Femme Domme Community
This is a community where Femme Dommes and subs can hang out, have fun,
and share information about toys, equipment, clothing, fetishes, scenes,
techniques and safety within a mutually discreet and respectful setting.
http://www.femmedomme.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\\//\\//\\/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadie's own Webpage of the Week
BDSM Discussion Groups & Listservs (additions welcome!)
http://sensuoussadie.com/resources/discussiongroups.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\\//\\//\\/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADMINISTRIVIA
ABOUT SADIE AND THE MISSION OF THIS NEWSLETTER
I'm Sensuous Sadie, editor and all around diva of this publication. I'm
the author of : It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in
the BDSM Scene
http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html as well as
founder and leader (1999-2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM
group. SCENEsubmissions is a venue for information on BDSM and
spirituality, exploring BDSM not as a conduit for toys and protocol, but
as an erotica mystica. You can also find more information about these
topics on my website in the BDSM & Spirituality section.
You can reach me at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit my website (and see a hot photo of me) at
www.sensuoussadie.com
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This newsletter follows standard copyrighting practice regarding all
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substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work
as a whole." This is normally interpreted in legal cases to include 20%
or less of a complete work.
Easy to read information on copyright:
10 Big Myths about copyright explained: An attempt to answer common
myths about copyright seen on the net and cover issues related to
copyright and USENET/Internet publication.
By Brad Templeton
http://www.templetons.com/brad/copymyths.html
Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications
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