Nothing Like Being Rejected to Make a
Girl Ruminate on Love and Sex
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Last month as I looked around during a BDSM event here in the Boston
area, I observed no less than twelve couples, the vast majority Male
Dominant/Female Submissive. I didn’t feel so much lonely as I did
envious. Despite the fact that I’ve moved to a place that has six times
the population of Vermont in Greater Boston alone, it seems that six
times the kinky folk are also already coupled up. I put the word out
that I’m Dom shopping and the girls tell me "all the good Dominants are
taken." Good Lord I thought! "We’ll keep an eye out for you
Sadie," they tell me, "but you may have to settle for something less
than stellar." Settle? I don’t think so.
I know a few Dominants who if they were to became single, I’d be first
in line with my application. Maybe it’s egotistical on my part, but I
hope that some Boston guy will hear about me and say "Sensuous Sadie is
here and single? I am so on it!" That, or they’ll see me across the room
and decide then and there that I’m the gal for them. A romantic notion
born of watching the movie West Side Story too many times I’m
sure, but hope reigns eternal.
I am not without options of course. Since moving here, I’ve had no less
than four offers, all from Dominants who already have Submissives, and
invited me to either join their poly family, or if not, then at least
play with them. Lovely proposals all, but really no, no thanks. I’m not
really the "Submissive #2 type." In the meantime I find myself horny as
a racehorse in springtime. It’s just April now, and I haven’t had sex
for over five months, since I left Vermont, five long months of moving
and adjusting to the whole Boston scene. Although I hadn’t had a formal
D/s relationship in some time in Vermont, I did have a very lively lover
who could fuck for hours, or at least until I couldn’t take another
freaking minute. He was in the lifestyle, although we didn’t play very
much. That was okay; I’m good at appreciating what God brings me and
ignoring the rest. Over the years I’ve pretty much always had a lover of
one flavor of another, and those relationships usually last from three
to seven years or so. They are the fuck buddy types of lovers who visit
once a month, do me like crazy, then go home. That was enough to keep
the edge off, if you know what I mean. Ironically, my relationships with
my lovers have overall lasted longer than my love relationships,
although what that says exactly about my psyche I’m not sure I want to
explore. If nothing else, my Friends with Benefits were dependable and
not emotionally demanding.
So last week after several weeks of wet dreams, I got to thinking that
it was time for a new fuck buddy, and I asked Tomás, who I’d gone out
with a month ago if he’d like the position. He’s a novice Dominant, and
therefore not in the running for a serious D/s partnership. I mean
really novice, as in just fell off the turnip truck. But don’t take that
as all bad, even a novice knows how to make love, right? As a person,
Tomás is brilliant, a great conversationalist, and really quite fun.
Being as he is intellectually minded, and I picked up a copy of The
Loving Dominant for him so he could learn the ropes as he practiced
his dominant skills on me. This book is probably the best known of all
the BDSM publications, and a well-balanced and intelligent discussion on
the dominant arts. It’s written by John Warren who founded our own
Boston Dungeon Society, which has morphed into the New England Dungeon
Society (NEDS).
Tomás enthusiastically agreed to my proposal as he’d been attracted to
me from the start, although he did say that he wanted to have more of a
relationship with me than just once a month fuck buddies. I agreed
because I like him a lot, although I made it clear that it wasn’t going
to be the commitment kind as I wanted to be free to date others, and he
would be too. And so we went ahead and planned our first evening,
e-mailing back and forth the usual information and erotic exchanges. On
my part, I got pretty hot under the collar this week, and found myself
wet nearly all the time, thanks to all my fantasizing about Tomás doing
me every which way.
Along we went until about a day or so ago when I sent my latest erotic
e-mail to him and received no response for a full day. As you can
imagine this was kind of discombobulating; how many Dominants can ignore
a story about spanking your bottom until it’s rosy red? Not to mention
that I’d like to think it was written kinda sexy too and I was hoping it
gave him a hard on that would distract him as much as I’d been
distracted. I had also sent a text message to his phone asking for his
help with something personal, and had again received no response. I
started feeling antsy and upset, but I didn’t follow up until last night
to make sure we were good for our date and he said everything was fine,
so I figured I’d find out what was up when I saw him. This morning, the
morning of our date, I had a premonition thanks to my sister’s voice in
the back of my mind, which reminded me that "actions speak louder than
words. Sure enough when I returned from my workout there was the e-mail
canceling our relationship. No reason given; just a vague statement
about how he wasn’t ready for an involvement right now.
While I wasn’t exactly surprised, I have to admit I was still very hurt.
Of course it’s never fun being rejected, and being rejected by e-mail
really sucks. The least someone can do is give you a call and maybe a
good reason. Then there was the fact that I’d shared some very intimate
details about myself with him; you know what I mean – the kind you share
when you’re going to submit to someone; the kind of details that make a
person emotionally vulnerable. Tomás didn’t apologize for hurting my
feelings for not responding to my erotic letter or my request for help.
He didn’t seem to be aware of the susceptible place that a Submissive is
in during these kinds of situations; I suppose you could say he just
fell off the turnip truck when it comes to emotions as well.
A part of me wonders how much of this latter part has to do with the
fact that he is a novice, and may have no idea that a Submissive is
emotionally sensitive when she is in the process of surrendering to a
Dominant. To that I have to take responsibility for the fact that I
didn’t actually think this through and realize it until almost this
moment. This may be a good example of the subtleties of what a novice
cannot know before he actually experiences it. Sadly, the only way to
share this with him may be to have him read this column, although I
imagine he won’t like reading it much.
Why do I think this happened? In truth I have no actual way to know. My
guess is that it actually hit him who he was planning on sleeping with,
and got overwhelmed and intimidated. You see, it’s one thing to
fantasize about Having Sex with Sensuous Sadie, but when you
actually have to Suit Up and Show Up with someone like me, well then
it’s a bit of a horse of a different color then isn’t it? It wouldn’t be
the first time this has happened, only that when it happened before the
guys told me how they felt. Tomás didn’t have the balls to share his
fears with me – whatever they were – which in itself tells me a lot. My
rational mind tells me that it’s better I got out now because Tomás is a
person who deals with inner conflict by disappearing and not
communicating, which would definitely be crazy-making. Not to mention
that someone who cares so little about my feelings is also not someone I
want around, even if we weren’t in a committed thing. Hell, they don’t
have to love me, but they sure do have to be kind.
The novice stuff aside, being gentle with your partner’s feelings is an
essential part of being a human being. An open conversation and an
apology would have made all the difference in the world, and we could
still have been friends another day.
Today I allowed myself to be as sad as I needed to be, and spent some
time sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel this great
fear that I will not find a man who will be thrilled to have me as his
Submissive. I know that is scarcity thinking, so I work hard at
banishing those thoughts, but in the hours after being rejected I guess
it’s natural to have these doubts.
People often think that because of who I am and the confident way I have
of moving through the world that I for one: always have a Dominant, and
two: am never rejected in the way that other women are so often. I am
here to tell you that it doesn’t matter who you are, how attractive you
are, how much celebrity you have, or whatever. We all get rejected and
hurt by people who aren’t ready, aren’t willing, or aren’t able to
engage in a healthy way. The only real thing we can do is pick ourselves
up, dust ourselves off, and show up at the next kinky event (that would
be tomorrow night) and see who might want to hit on us. And that’s
exactly what I plan to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Loving Dominant, by John Warren, who is also the founder of the
Boston Dungeon Society (now the New England Dungeon Society)
Buy it on
Amazon
Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through
BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose
& Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and
complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her
at SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is
abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance,
so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications
