A Punishment for that Sweet Innocent Girl? All about how to punish your Submissive: appropriately, effectively, and absolutely
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

The day came along when my Dominant asked me to take care of the dishes before we hit the sack. I say asked because he wasn’t really the ordering-around type, but still it was an order. But things go around as things do, and really cuddling with him was more fun and I pretty much, well actually totally – forgot. We were having so much fun if you know what I mean. Those dishes did pop back into my head as I was preparing for bed, but I didn’t worry overmuch about it, just snuggled up and said good night.

The next morning I saw those same dishes having not been taken care of by the dish fairies and thought: "uh oh." But not a word did I hear from my man. I didn’t bother with them that morning either because we were getting ready to go out for breakfast and I didn’t want to slow things down, or so I rationalized. During breakfast though I couldn’t help myself, and I brought it up to find out what the score was. It turned out that really, he didn’t much care if I did the dishes or not, and in fact he was just as happy to do them himself. He was a bit of a control freak in his kitchen and liked to take care of things himself.

What do you suppose happened after this? You’re right, I lost respect for that Dominant and stopped doing what he asked me to do. I knew that his orders were haphazard and meaningless, and more importantly I knew that even if they weren’t, no punishments would be forthcoming. And here’s the grand message of this article: If this isn’t the death knell for a D/s relationship I don’t know what is.

So what was wrong with this picture?
Well, there were a lot of things wrong with that picture. One was that my partner really didn’t care if I did the dishes or not. Giving an order for something you don’t care about is just plain silly and a waste of time for both of you. But even if he didn’t care about the actual dishes, more importantly he failed to follow through. So, I’m going to talk about a number of things here, what punishment is and when it should be used – and when not, and some practical suggestions for effective punishments for a Submissive. I’ll also give you a list of questions which will help you, as a Dominant, figure out the most effective punishments for your partner, because these things will vary considerably for each person. Finally, we’ll talk a little about the most important part: forgiveness and aftercare, because that’s what this is really all about.

What is Punishment About?
Punishment is not for the fainthearted. We all joke about it a lot in the scene, but what I’m really talking about here is what happens in a committed relationship when a Dominant or Master is working with a Submissive or Slave to get them to do any number of things. It could be anything from doing those pesky dishes, to writing more concise e-mails, to being on time. It is whatever the Dominant wants it to be and whatever your relationship is created around. One of my Dominants was a wordsmith like I am and would not tolerate spelling and grammatical errors in my e-mails to him. Although that rarely happened, there were occasional typos so I did have to watch out carefully or risk his wrath.

I also believe that punishment should be for real infractions, not pretend ones or ones that didn’t really occur. As I mentioned with the dishes above, it’s very important to give orders that count so that your Submissive knows that they are doing things for you that matter. Secondly, if you punish them randomly or for things that they didn’t do, you will find yourself with a Submissive with an anxiety problem, which is not fun or healthy for either of you. If you are going to do this, do it fairly and do it right. You need to follow through every time you ask your partner to do something because they will be watching for the loopholes; don’t provide any!

There is one exception that I have experienced that I would like to note here. I believe that it can sometimes be important for a Dominant to occasionally "punish" their partner purely to keep them in line, or rather to remind them of who is in charge. However, it should be made clear that this is not a punishment but rather something that is being done at the whim of the Dominant for this reason exactly. Punishment itself should never be used irresponsibly as it carries a real and responsible burden.

Know Thy Submissive
The best punishment is one that is tailored to your Submissive, so I can give you a list of a million ideas, but most of them aren’t going to work for your partner because each person is so different. For example putting a chastity belt on one person might be one big misery while for another it would be totally hot (like for me!). Taking away one person’s chocolate for the day might make one person beg and cry for just one Lindt truffle (that would be me), while for another, they wouldn’t give a hoot. So, the first thing you’ll need to do is sit down with your partner and ask them about their life.

The key thing about punishments is that they tend to be around what I call Discretionary Time, Money, and Interests. The reason for this is because punishing people around the core areas of their life: their job, money, and family, are pretty much out as I’ll cover later in this article. Here are some questions to get you on the road to finding out some of the things that you can give, take away, or otherwise control as a form of punishment.

Questions to ask your Submissive:

  • What are your favorite television shows, the ones you never miss?
  • What are your absolutely favorite foods, maybe something you eat every day or a few times a week?
  • What are your leisure activities and hobbies?
  • What is difficult for you to do? (for example, going to cocktail parties or munches, public speaking, writing a diary, wearing certain types of clothing such as corsets, high heels or skirts)
  • How often do you spend private time with your friends, and what do you do?
  • How important is it to have private time?
  • How do you feel about "silent time" or not being spoken to for hours or days?
  • Do you smoke?
  • Do you drink?
    •


    What Makes a Punishment Real and Effective?


    1. Let the Punishment fit the Crime
    Just as in life, people learn better if the learning is related to what they’re doing. So if your Submissive keeps burning dinner, punishing her by having her rake the yard probably isn’t the most relevant of tasks. Practicing cooking on Saturday afternoon when she’d rather be with her gal pals at the mall would be a far better option. Similarly if all his e-mails are riddled with grammatical errors, a punishment of taking away his evening blackberry brandy is a so-so punishment, but reading a chapter of the Chicago Manual of Style each day might be an excellent way to teach him how to write a complete sentence.

    2. It Can’t be a Double Edged Sword
    Your punishments need to be something that does not create a mixed message in your Submissive’s mind. For example, you may be trying to get her to work out more often, but making "working out" a punishment is not a good idea because it is both a goal, and is also good for her. You don’t want to make something that is positive have any negative overtones. If she’s not working out enough, then punish her by taking away her favorite pastries during Saturday morning’s breakfast out. (horrors!)

    3. Spanking and Corporal Punishment; It Can’t be Fun!
    Novice Dominants often think of a spanking as the first thing to turn to when bad behavior strikes, because that’s what happens when we’re kids. But because so many of us have eroticized spanking, this is rarely an effective punishment unless it is administered in a truly painful way. It’s never a good idea to mix any kind of fun or sexual pleasure with a punishment because you may end up with a Submissive who is being bad on purpose. That may sound cute on paper, but it is so not cute in real life. How long do you really want those dishes to pile up? Do you really want your partner to show up an hour late picking you up after work? Do you really enjoy finding all your toys smushed in the bottom of the toybag after the weekend away? I didn’t think so.

    So if you’re going to do corporal punishment, your Submissive cannot be a masochist, and the punishment has to be real pain, not fun pain. You’ll need to use implements that they absolutely do not like. For example, I love hand or belt spankings so that wouldn’t be a punishment for me, but use a crop or a cane and I’ll be weeping like a big baby in no time!

    4. Sexuality Restrictions
    This area is similar to spanking and should be utilized carefully. Some Submissives respond well to being limited sexually, such as not being allowed to orgasm or being limited in the amount of touch they will receive for a certain amount of time. This will obviously depend strongly on the individual. In the case of cuddling and affection, do not limit your affection with your partner long term (past a day or two) or past the time of the punishment or it will adversely affect your relationship in the long run.

    5. Physical Restrictions: Location
    You may consider limiting your Submissive to a physical location such as a room, the house or an area of the city that you live for a certain period of time, providing it does not interfere with their livelihood. Think of it as House Arrest.

    6. Physical Restrictions: Personal
    There are many interesting physical restrictions that can be worn around the house, and some can even be worn outside and be kept hidden from public view. You could cuff their arms, legs, or purchase a set of thigh cuffs which can be worn under a skirt outside. Corsets are always a popular choice as well.



    What are Always Inappropriate Punishments?
    There are certain areas that are sacrosanct and should never be included in the punishment arena. Some of these include, but are not limited to:


    1. No asking your Submissive to spend money that they can’t afford – if your partner has a limited income, then it is absolutely inappropriate to tell them to spend any of that money on something they can’t afford. It is certainly okay to help them manage their finances, providing you are better at it than they are.

    2. No asking your Submissive to do anything that would affect their job in any way – Jobs are off limits. This includes doing anything that might compromise their ability to work effectively or dressing inappropriately at work. Our ability to earn a living also equals our ability to be independent and if you compromise that, you are also compromising your partner’s economic freedom. Put another way, if they are dependant on you and only you, that is not a good thing in the big picture. It may sound romantic, but if someone cannot take care of themselves in our world, then they are at risk from a wide variety of predators.

    3. No asking your Submissive to do anything that would embarrass them at their religious center, or any other vanilla venue that they are involved with – Leave the vanilla world to itself and do not embarrass or out your partner in any way.

    4. No involving your Submissive’s children or family in any way – Kids are off the table, as are vanilla family and friends. ‘nuff said.


    Punishment is About Forgiveness
    One of the parts about this process that is often forgotten is that punishment is about forgiveness. Your Submissive made a mistake. You punished him. Now, it’s time to forgive and forget. You need to give him a hug, some verbal absolution and put this behind you. No dragging it back out there over and over. It’s very important that you as a Dominant be overt and explicit when you forgive your Submissive, and give them love and hugs afterward. It’s embarrassing and painful to be punished as a child, and doubly so as an adult. Make sure that they know that you still love them!

    Are you the Kind of Dominant who can Punish Effectively
    Reading all about punishment is one thing, and doing it is one thing too. But watching your Submissive cry while you are doing it is probably the hardest thing any Dominant has to do. My friend Paul, who is on the board of The Society, a BDSM group out of Connecticut, tells me that being able to do that is the most important capacity of an effective Dominant. So think about that a bit while you’re jotting down notes on your Submissive’s favorite foods, because sure enough those tears will be blinking from her eyes one morning while she stands in front of a pile of dishes that those darn dish fairies forgot to do. Will you be ready?


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    Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

    Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications