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The Play Party Series Part 1 |
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I've Been Invited To A BDSM Play Party! Should I go? By Sensuous Sadie Have you been invited to a BDSM play party and are wondering what it's all about? It can certainly be a scary thing for a novice to the scene, yet play parties are considered de rigeur. It almost seems uncool not to attend. I wrote this article from my own perspective of having chosen not to attend play parties, a decision based on my own feelings about the intimacy of the D/s experience. I hope the information below will not discourage you from attending, but rather help you decide if attending one is right for you. I felt it was important to talk about this viewpoint because play parties are assumed to be right for everyone, and it's important to validate every point of view. If you are looking for information on play party etiquette, there are many good pieces on this on the Internet. You will want to read them carefully because your invitation is often dependant on another player, and they may be held responsible if you breech protocol. Getting invited to a private play party is considered to be a high honor. Not everyone gets that invitation, and it signifies you are considered an experienced and safe player. Is A Play Party For Me? The best thing about play parties is that you can observe a wide variety of techniques and toys. Some Dominants enjoy educating others and will do a demonstration for you with particular toys and techniques. This aspect can be an important part of a novice's education. At one play party which I attended, but in which I didn't participate, I discovered some wonderful new toys, a twisted Lucite cane, a silver handled flogger, an electric fly swatter, for electric play, and a beautiful toy storage box made from a "bow" box, designed for bows and arrows. Before you jump in, however, you will want to consider if you wish to play in public at all. There is a contingent of BDSM scene people who do not attend play parties, although people often don't discuss this unless you ask them directly. It's that looking uncool thing. I am one of those people because I feel expressing my submissive side is a private and intimate experience I don't want to share with a group. I have dominated my own submissives at some parties, but I found the experience disconnected and somewhat theatrical in nature. Why do people choose not to attend play parties? Some don't enjoy watching others submit in public; they consider it too personal. Perhaps they lean toward sexual-based play, and prefer not to do this type of play in public. As one Dominant said to me, "I believe that some things are best kept in private where the emotions as well as the juices can flow." Others don't like watching folks have sex, which does happen at some parties. It may be that they don't have a partner, so attending and watching everyone else have fun and play can be painful. There are also some players who prefer not to put themselves in a position where such an intimate act can be criticized. It's important to know that these reasons, or any others, are perfectly valid. If you feel this way, be open and up front about your decision and avoid judgements on people who do attend. If you go to a munch which morphs into a play party, and you don't feel comfortable or ready to be involved, it is perfectly okay to let the hosts know in a polite way that you are leaving. Unfortunately, despite the community's insistence that we are all about "acceptance of diversity," there can occasionally be intolerant attitudes. I have experienced this myself because of my choice not to play in public. It may be because my leadership position "invites" more scrutiny, but I have heard some disparaging comments and in fact have been occasionally encouraged, read mildly pressured, to play. This kind of behavior is rare, but is nevertheless absolutely unacceptable. Fortunately, hosts usually keep a room or two set aside for folks who want to play, but want to do so in private. This way you can join the party, and get some nookie as well. It is perfectly acceptable to ask the host in advance if this will be possible. What Goes On At A Play Party? The first question I hear often is: "What goes on at a play party?" This will vary a lot as you can imagine, and depends on the sensibilities of the hosts. Some groups like Rose & Thorn host primarily social events, with educational demonstrations. These are not considered play parties, so general play is not allowed. The people doing the demonstration have planned out what they'll be doing, and the general approach is a formal one. This is very different than a play party where guests are encouraged to interact freely, with whatever equipment may be set up at the time. At most play parties there is a "no alcohol" and "no drugs" rule, and some hosts post signs regarding liability and other factors. While I have occasionally heard about parties which include some form of recreational alcohol or drugs, substances compromise the "safe" and "consensual" parts of our Safe, Sane, and Consensual creed. For this reason I would strongly recommend against ever attending an event where substances of any sort were available. Most of the people who go to play parties like to play in public; that is, they have a streak of exhibitionism. However exhibitionism is not the only reason people go; I have quite a streak myself, but still choose not to play. In general, there is not a lot of overt sex or intense intimate contact. Most often you will see a variety of bondage with whipping, caning, and flogging, but sometimes you will also see intercourse and other sexual activities. Some hosts have cool equipment like St. Andrews crosses, spanking benches, and so on. Others use more creativity, creating rope spiderwebs and using soft chairs as spanking benches for example. Many of the submissives will be nude or partially nude, so you will need to be comfortable with observing all kinds of people sans clothing. What Am I Expected To Do At A Play Party? Here in Vermont private play parties are usually hosted at private homes and are closed parties, which means you will need an invitation from the host to attend. Since the Rose & Thorn newsletter does not list private parties, for liability reasons, you will need to become involved with the local BDSM community sufficiently so that you are a known and safe player. No host wants an unknown and possibly risky player in their home, both for personal safety and confidentiality reasons. The hosts will provide you with the common rules at their home, as well as information on the level of play which is acceptable at their home. When considering attending, think about the hosts and their home. Is the location a safe one, with privacy from prying eyes? Is it in an area where the cops are more likely to come by for a noise complaint? Are all the guests personally screened by the host? Are the hosts known to you so that if there's a problem, you have someone to help you? As I mentioned, guests are not expected to play, although it is often assumed you will play since you are attending. If you are told that you are expected to play if you attend, think carefully about whether this is right for you. More importantly, do you want to be with a group who do not value the educational aspect of observation without having to play? Do you feel your experience level is sufficient that you will feel comfortable playing in front of others? Do you enjoy being watched? Do you have a partner whom you can trust to take care of you in a public situation? If you are a submissive and unattached, then you will want to ask a friend to look after you, especially if the Dominant you have played with lacks aftercare skills, which they shouldn't, but there are a few callous dominants out there. It is okay to let folks know before you start a scene that you are new to the scene. You may want to ask for advice, or even have a more experienced Dominant or submissive participate in the scene, demonstrating techniques and watching out for possible mistakes which may cause injury. Not only does this keep the submissive safe, it improves your skills, and of course swells the head of the experienced Dominant. Do I Need to Bring a Partner? You will want to think about bringing a partner, and negotiating a scene in advance so that you will be able to play without excessive discussion. Many players have different limits on things like nudity and levels of play when it comes to public play, so be sure to discuss these issues with your partner. If you are alone and thinking of finding someone at the party to play with, think carefully about your own limits and what you are looking for and how you will communicate this information to a stranger. In the heat of passion it can be easy to agree to something you might regret later. Never let a total stranger gag you so that you cannot speak during a scene. There is no way they can know your limits and how you are feeling if you cannot communicate. You will want to bring some of your own toys along, especially if they are intimate items. If someone initiates contact with you, be prepared to talk openly and clearly about what kind of play you are looking for. Listen to Yourself Listen to your own feelings about attending a play party. If you don't feel ready, don't go. If you feel uncomfortable once you are there, then leave if you need to. If you go, but decide it's not for you, then don't go to another one. But if you go and have a fabulous time, then knock yourself out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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