I'm a Better Slave than You, Neener Neener!
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 


One evening a few months back, as I was recovering from a lovely flogging at a party, some guy commented that it sure was an easy flogging; the implication being that I was a lightweight. I turned to him and told him (and the room) that I'm not a pain slut and there's no shame in liking it light and sensual. I told him that my Dominant had used his deer and elkskin floggers because hew knew that's what I was comfortable with.

Okay so sure I told him off, but oh it's so much more than that. One the one hand, this guy was clearly displaying that he's a novice to the game. Any experienced player knows that pain is just one of many variables in a great scene. More importantly, his judgment that I hadn't measured up was unfortunately all too common. His focus was on the floggers my Dominant had chosen and whether or not he'd whacked the living heck out of me. This guy missed the whole point when he focused on the scene from an outward perspective rather than an inward one. What he should have been focusing on was my experience of the scene. If you just watched us you wouldn't see a whole heck of a lot, just some guy flogging some gal. The real experience happened in my head, in the head of my Dominant, and in the intimate space between us. None of those inward things can be observed, which means that anyone, barring mind readers, who think they know what's going on in a scene is bound to be off base. This is part of the reason I find watching scenes so boring, because really, watching the outside but not knowing what's happening on the inside is one dreary experience.

His judgment also reflected an all too common "toy orientation" among people in the scene. My friend Stacey puts it nicely, "I don't care how good a Dominant is with ropes; I'm only interested if he can make me sink into that feeling like warm water is being gently poured over me -- simply by telling me to put my hands flat on the table. I've never found any correlation between a Dom's prowess with ropes and his ability to do that." Ropes or floggers, it makes no difference; toys don't make the dominant – a creative and sensual mind does.

Criticism of this kind fundamentally expresses a deep insecurity, sadly something which is also common in the scene. My thighs are too fat. My toys aren't expensive enough. My clothes aren't fetish enough. I'm not submissive enough. I'm not dominant enough. Whatever it is. In the context of BDSM, all our insecurities are amplified. How easy then for a predator to step in and take advantage. Maybe a low-life so and so who just wants an easy blow job, or maybe just one of those people who are emotionally and physically abusive. I've known not one but two Submissives who were raped on their first date with one of these emotionally and physically abusive Dominants. Although I'm not blaming the Submissives, I can see that the part they played in the scenario, either going to a stranger's house alone, or agreeing to "just play," but really knowing better. Neither rape was reported because not only do these women feel the usual shame of being raped, but that it happened in a BDSM context made it impossible for them to report because they'd have to admit they dig kink.

So what's the big message here? Well, no amount of ranting on my part is going to stop people from making stupid comments. However, every person who stands up to them like I did makes it a little easier for the next victim to put the responsibility where it belongs. Maybe then it'll be okay for us lightweights to enjoy our scene with no blowhards to rain on our parade. Just call me a sensual slut and leave me to my lightweight flogging, and thank you very much.


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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications