Art courtesy of Alex Chapmon

Dear Auntie Sadie: "My Dominant ordered me to lose weight - what should I do?"
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

My former Dominant Griffin once said to me that he liked "round women." Of course I knew that already since he was with me, but it was validating to hear it. From time to time I have dated men who preferred slim women, but it made me so self conscious about my body that neither of us ended up having any fun. It's not unlike my decision to date only dominant men. I only date men, dominant men, who love my body; because to do otherwise compromises both of us.
 
"Easy for you to say" I hear from the peanut gallery, "you're a glamorous writer and have Dominants lined up on the doorstep wanting to collar you." Well hell, maybe in my wet dreams I do, but the only thing on my doorstep at the moment is yesterday's newspaper. Even without a Dominant as I stand today, I know that God gave me this body: luscious, strong, flexible, vibrant… and fat. To do anything other than love it (and take good care of it) would disrespect that gift.
 
Being submissive and being fat puts me in a strange position. Heck, it puts all of us in a strange position. What do you do if your Dominant wants you to lose a few pounds? You want to follow their orders of course, but you also know that this is no easy proposition. I'm going to look at some of the factors around these issues. Hopefully I'll retain a bit of objectivity as I go along but don't be surprised if I slip in a few wee rants, after all this is one area that is particularly sensitive to both women and Submissives.
 
Let's say you're not quite as strident about the body acceptance thing as I am, and your Dominant wants you to do something about those love handles. Some might say that what the Dominant wants, the Dominant gets, but I disagree. That may be so when it comes to putting the cap back on the toothpaste, but weight is a more complex discussion than toothpaste. In our culture, size is not just about eating too many bon bons. It's hooked into self esteem, body image and lots of other things like your relationship to your family. One submissive I know named "subbie" adds that "One job of the dom is to help their submissive improve, not change, themselves. This can take the form of exercise, self-help classes, reading and so on. The sub has the choice to negotiate how appropriate the improvement is, obey, or end the relationship. My friend Stacey adds, "I agree wholeheartedly that a Dominant should accept us as we are. But, here's where the issues arise. I believe that we as submissives are responsible for working on our own body image issues, whether it's by having that surgery, or exercising and getting strong, or simply being a couch potato that completely accepts herself or himself. It's not our Dominant's job to fix us; we're grownups."
 
This negotiation needs to happen on an equal playing field, so the first thing you'll need to do is get the heck out of D/s mode and sit down at the table as equals in a partnership. Here are some of the discussion areas you will want to work through.
 
Type of Relationship
Is your relationship a Master/Slave, Dominant/Submissive or Top/Bottom arrangement? Most would agree that that Masters, generally speaking, have the most control over their Slave's personal lives, and Tops have the least. If you are a Slave, you may not have any options so get out the celery and start munching. On the other hand as a Bottom you could just as well take that celery and utilize it as a sex toy.
 
Commitment Level
Is your relationship a committed one, or are you just playing together? You might consider making major changes for someone you loved or were committed to, but not so likely for someone who you might not see more than once in a while. Losing weight takes a real commitment in itself, so your Dominant will need to be there for the long haul.
 
Lifetime Weight
Have you been fat all your life and this is pretty much who you are, physically speaking? In that case, losing weight will not only be far more difficult but unlikely – statistically speaking - to succeed long term. Research shows that the vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back again, and more.
 
Were you slim, but have gained weight over time due to medication, aging or lack of exercise? In this case, losing weight may also be difficult because these physiological factors can cause changes in the metabolism.
 
Or are you generally slim but gained a few pounds because of a pregnancy, stressful time, or some other one-time situation? For you, it may just be a matter of skipping desserts for a month. Very different issues.
 
Body Image Issues
What is your relationship to your body? If you have had self esteem and body image issues all of your life, this process will bring up a lot of emotional baggage. Both slim and fat people have body image issues, and women in our culture in particular are particularly sensitive to this. That means that the psychological component of losing weight will have to be dealt with. On the other hand, if you are happy with your body and are in excellent health, then losing a few pounds may be no more of an issue than getting a haircut.
 
Who are you Doing this For?
There are certainly times when a Dominant can be helpful in guiding and helping a Submissive to lose a few pounds if that's what the Submissive also wants. In this case they are acting as a coach to help the Submissive reach their own goals. Unfortunately, having someone tell you to lose weight is pretty much useless unless you want to do it for yourself, and relationships in the lifestyle are no different. Many Dominants go into a relationship thinking they will fix or change a Submissive and just as many Submissives go in thinking their Dominant will be able to make them lose weight. Both of these are bound to fail. Lady Lavender Rose says, "Body changes are tough. Bravo to anyone who determines to make that change for the right reasons. But to please someone else, is never the right reason. In my opinion, that's not a reason at all."
 
Can you Communicate about your Issues?
Can you be open and honest with yourself and your partner about your weight issues? Can you discuss how you feel about food and your body? If you are shy or not ready to open up about these things, it's going to be an extra long road ahead.
 
Is this just about your Body or is it about who you are as a person?
A few years ago I interviewed for a job at a health club. Being as I am both plus sized and in excellent shape, I felt that I would be an excellent role model for other large women. They didn't hire me because of my weight, although they did say they would if I lost a few pounds. I told them that while I could force my body to lose weight just for them, it would deny everything I believe about being both fat and healthy. I want to be a role model for women of all sizes, not just for thin ones.
 
My point is that my weight is not just about my body. My awareness of the issues around body image have become fundamental to how I move through the world, both literally and figuratively. It's not that I insist on staying fat, only that I will not spend my life obsessing about it; there are just too many more important things to do.
 
Consequences
What are the consequences of not losing weight? Will the Dominant reject the Submissive for failing? This stress alone could cause significant relationship issues. Does the Dominant know how to administer real punishment, the kind that actually changes behavior? If they are a novice, they might well give a spanking for eating that extra piece of apple pie, which will act as no deterrent at all. Are they consistent enough to act as a real support and punishment system over time?
 
What about other Kinds of Physical Changes?
A few years ago when I was going through a dominant phase, I took on a Submissive named Jamie with the express agreement that we were going to make him into something that I would be proud to have at the end of my leash. I taught him how to walk, how to dress, and how to express his sensuality. Is this changing an essential element of who he is? Of course it is. But because we both agreed to it in advance, and because he could always revert to his previous behavior, there could be no permanent damage. This might be a very different issue it were a tattoo or something even more benign such as dental work or a hair transplant. As with weight, all major bodily changes need to be discussed at length.
 
 
Conclusion
I think it would be great if we all were with partners who loved our round bodies just as we are. Unfortunately the real world is not quite so loving and respectful. I hope these suggestions help you though the process next time the issue of weight comes up.
 
 
 

 
Quotes included with permission
 

Lady Lavender Rose
LadyLavenderRose@aol.com  
 

subbie
subbie@mindspring.com  


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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html . She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications