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Fat Women, Body Image, and Sexual
Politics in the BDSM Scene
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Read
Sadie's other column on being fat in the scene: Size
Matters! Reader Commentary on being Fat in the BDSM Scene
My name is Sadie and I'm fat. That is, fat and beautiful. Zaftig.
Rubenesque. Soft and cuddly, and really fun to hug. I am a size 24, and
in general, if you don't like it, you can lump it. It helps that I am
also in fabulous shape with calves of steel and six pack abs (which
can't be seen under my tummy, but I know they're there)
This is a little bit about me and a lot about everyone who has body
image issues. It's a lot about women, and a little about men. It's about
how I came to love my body, and also how body image and self-esteem
function in the D/s context. When I started thinking about writing this
piece, I wasn't sure if I had anything useful to say. After all, as my
friend Elizabeth told me "you have the best body image of anyone I
know, thin or fat."
The story of how I got here doesn't have a lot to do with BDSM, so I
won't go into excess detail. Suffice it to say that once upon a time I
was addicted to food and hated my body. In my mid 20's I went to
Overeaters Anonymous and made friends with Nicole, another addict who
happened to be a size five, but who also ate her chicken pot pies half
frozen because she couldn't wait for them to bake fully. She was also
one hell of a snappy dresser. Nicole taught me that self-hatred is an
equal opportunity force of destruction for both fat and thin women, not
to mention how to be one hell of a snappy dresser.
Is The BDSM Scene Any Different Than Vanilla Life?
Some years later I entered the BDSM lifestyle pretty much at peace
with those issues. I don't have any research basis for this, but there
does seem to be more plus-sized women in the scene. Perhaps they are
attracted in greater numbers because their size is less of an issue than
what they have to offer through their submission or their domination.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not.
The biggest one is that due to numbers alone, way more men than women, I
could have been a complete ass, a total bitch, or a whining doormat and
I still would have had no shortage of Dominants a'knocking at my door.
While I have never found it particularly difficult to find lovers in the
vanilla world, in the BDSM world they're lined up on the doorstep.
Before Vermont even had a D/s community, I posted a personals ad in
alt.personals.bondage and over a few years met and went out with no less
than 40 Dominants. Is this because I'm God's gift to men? As much as I'd
like to think so, it's unlikely. There some are very real differences
which account for this phenomenon.
While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the
alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged
in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and
the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally
speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention
age, gender, race, and orientation. When I look for a Dominant, I'm
looking less at his career path, and more for his ability to know
himself and control me. When I look for a Submissive, I'm looking less
for his economic viability, and more for his capacity to be vulnerable,
for his emotional stability. Looks are nice, and heaven knows I like to
have a hot trophy Submissive hanging on my leash, but the bottom line is
that after a scene, I want to be able to connect with this person on a
deeper level. After the party, I want to be able to cuddle up with them
over a bowl of popcorn and watch Arsenic and Old Lace.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have
many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used
to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first
astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around
a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard
not to like someone who likes herself so much.
How To Get Over It
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and
men, thin and fat, you and me. After all, if I never had any body
issues, the world would not need me to be an activist for size
acceptance. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things
you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations
to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but
emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and
respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love
yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public
situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and
shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head
with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good
skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful
handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you
saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice
their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or
their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an
advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts
Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Invite some friends over and do a little play under more controlled
conditions. You'll be able to see how it feels to share your fears with
people you trust. Here again, you don't need to bare it all. Think about
the parts of your body you like best and start with those. For example,
I feel most confident about my breasts, waist and legs. So when I first
played in public I wore a short skirt, but bared the rest of me. When I
played with one Submissive who was shy about his tummy (he wasn't fat,
but he didn't work out and was a bit soft there), I had him bare his ass
and penis, both very fine, but allowed him to wear a tank top. Showing
this kind of love and care for his feelings also helped him to come to
terms with his body.
I found I felt more confident when my friends and/or play partners were
also plus-sized. Over time I discovered play partners who weren't fat
themselves, but who appreciated my body nevertheless for its strength,
flexibility, health, and energy.
When you are ready, consider doing some public play at a party. You do
not have to go whole hog and strut around nekkid. Take some trusted
friends along and give it a try.
Work out! There is nothing like the confidence and strength that comes
from being in good shape. While we should all be respected regardless of
our size, it's much harder for people to criticize me knowing that 1.
I'm in better shape than they are, and that 2. I can kick their butt.
Wear sexy clothes. The best part about Scene parties is the opportunity
to dress like a slut. Scene events are one of the few places where you
can wear revealing, sexy, exotic clothing, and have it be appreciated.
Show off your best attribute. Have you ever seen me in a high necked
shirt or a long skirt? Looking good translates to feeling good. Dress
not because you feel you should, but because showing off your body will
increase your confidence. Also known as fake it till you make it.
Lastly – if you like yourself and your body – act like it. Talk
about body image to your friends. Dress well. Take care of your body. Be
a role model.
The Big Picture
This is my theory about men and body size:
25% Love Plus Sized Women Like Me! One vanilla, but aggressive lover in
the midst of fucking my brains out, whispered "those guys who like
skinny women don't know what they're missing!" A New Hampshire
Dominant says, "I prefer larger Submissives. There's more flesh to
play with and I don't have to worry so much about hitting bones."
Another scene player says "Personally, I find the sight of a
voluptuous woman bound tightly much more stirring than a slim woman. It
is much more gratifying to spank a well-rounded bottom than a skinny
one."
25% Do Not Notice Body Size At All. One Dominant said to me, "I get
so irritated with these Submissives who talk about and criticize their
bodies all the time. It makes me focus on the negative things about
them, and to be honest, I really just do not care about whether or not
they have a tummy or not, or have big thighs or not, or whatever. I just
don't look at people that way."
25% Prefer Slimmer Woman, But Are Open To Loving People For Who They
Are, Not What They Look Like. Another Dominant said to me "I've
been with big women and small women and it doesn't matter what size they
are, so much as their personality and whether or not they're fun to be
with in and out of bed."
25% Only Date Thin Women. One Submissive said about her partner
"Recently as we were walking with our arms about each other, he
commented 'the world is backwards.' He does not like the fact that I am
not small enough to throw around the bed the way he would like."
100% of them are irritated by women who harp on their bodies and
constantly put themselves down.
I know three Dominants who only get involved with thin women. Does it
irk me? You bet it does, and at some level it limits our friendship. I
need to know that my friends celebrate me in the same way I celebrate
myself. I'm not saying each of us shouldn't be allowed to have our
preferences, but to insist on one particular body type seems childish
and closed-minded to me. I also don't go out with men who only date
plus-sized women. That's just as ridiculous. I choose my men for their
ability to be emotionally grounded, spiritually present, and engaged
with life.
In any case, I'm still left with 75% of the men, so I say to hell with
the ones who are stuck on size. In addition to my fat self, my zaftig
self, my Rubenesque self, I am so much more. I am passion, joy, and
spirituality. I am strength and weakness, Dominance and submission,
taking and yielding. I am a whole person first, a fat woman second, and,
I am really fun to hug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sadie,
My size is something that
is always on my mind and I always wish that I were thin. But to my
Master, I am beautiful! He loves the whole package. Thank you, I
think I will look in the mirror again and see the beauty before me.
I too am a beautiful woman.
~ Maters Pet
REFERENCES
Additional
resources on Big Beautiful Women (BBW) and Big Handsome Men (BHM) in the
scene
Sensuous Sadie is the
author of It's Not About the Whip:
Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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