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The Frugal
Submissive (for Dominants too):
Saving money on fashion, toys, dating and events
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Some years ago I spent time screening guests for a BDSM organization.
The question that almost everyone seemed anxious about was, "What
do I wear?" They expected to arrive at the party to a tidal wave of
expensive leather, latex, and rubber. I was quick to assure them that
this was not the case, and in fact the majority of guests wore dressy
but not radically fetish clothing. Complete outfits on leather, latex or
rubber are quite expensive and it's hardly cost effective to buy a
fabulous outfit that you can only wear every so often. The wardrobe is
just one part of the BDSM experience of course, and all the purchases
involved can be quite daunting. This article will focus on the big
picture of saving money rather than on lists of stuff you can buy on the
cheap. I have referenced some other articles at the end which include
extensive details on building a fashion wardrobe as well as what to
include in a basic toy bag.
FASHION
The key thing with fashion is that creativity and style is far more
important than fetish wear. You will want to purchase clothing that
doubles for work and play, as well as avoiding fetish wear that is
expensive and exotic. My friend Susan tells me how she used creativity
to make a fab fetish outfit, "I found a short skirt and a Girl
Scout top that worked great for a fetish evening. I cut the collar on
the shirt and trimmed the length so it was shorter. I could be a naughty
girl scout that way for very little money."
Susan adds that, "It just takes an 'eye' to see something in a
different way. You can make the most conservative outfit have a fetish
slant by wearing a collar and/or wrist cuffs with it. Or by leaving it
unbuttoned and wearing a sexy bra (or no bra). By taking up the skirt or
cutting off pants into hot mini shorts and wearing them with boots or
spike heeled shoes. Those elaborate outfits some people spend hours on
can be fun, but a simple black dress with sexy shoes and a dog collar
can be just as effective."
If all fails and you can't find fetish wear, err on the side of caution
and wear something considered business casual like a dress for the
ladies, slacks, shirt and tie for the men. It's better to be slightly
overdressed than underdressed. Not to mention dressing smartly does
wonders for your self confidence even if it's not a particularly fetish
outfit.
*for detailed articles on fetish fashion, see links at the bottom
YOUR TOY BAG
Many Submissives feel that owning their own toys is not necessary
because the Dominant will provide what's needed. They could not be more
wrong. Here are five reasons why every Submissive should have their own
toys:
1. You should always own your own intimate toys such as dildos,
vibrators and anything that comes in contact with bodily fluids.
2. You might get a partner who has limited funds, is new to the scene,
or isn't particularly into using toys. Novices most often have
inexpensive toys as they discover what they like best, and you might
find these don't work as well as better made ones. Translation: cheap
cuffs chafe. On the other hand, creativity rocks! One submissive,
Chrissy, tells about how she made her own flogger out of the insides of
a bungee cord, saying, "the rubber on the inside of a bungee cord
is the softest you have ever felt. I cut six 48" bungee cords apart
so as not to tear the insides, attached them to a ring and wound tape
around the top then string around the tape to form a handle. I had my
bungee flogger for a little under $15!"
3. Even if your Dominant has their own toys, they might not have the
kind of toys you prefer. For example, I am very sensitive to flogging
and prefer an extra soft deerskin flogger. Although Griffin has several
lovely floggers, they are all made of heavy leather. Why ask him to buy
another one when I have the perfect one at the ready? (and purple too!)
Having toys for things you like will also subtly tell your Dominant
about your interests. For example, no Dominant could miss what it means
that your bag is full of anal dildos. Another submissive, jeananne made
a whip with 78" leather bootlaces. "i cut them in half, then
gathered them, made a slip knot at mid point, to tie it together for
folding and wrapping for a handle & loop, for my wrist to slip
through, so i can flog myself; Master liked it."
4. You may need a special size of something that your Dominant might not
have handy. For example, my friend Elizabeth has a set of custom made
hand and ankle cuffs because she is petite and wanted them to fit
correctly. In contrast, I am plus sized so my chastity belt was made to
fit me perfectly.
5. When you don't have a partner, your BDSM equipment may become your
new best friend. For more details on auto BDSM erotica, see article
reference at the bottom.
Female Submissives often worry that having BDSM toys might be considered
forward, not unlike the vanilla girl who brings condoms along on a date.
If you run into a Dominant who holds this narrow traditionalist view,
you may want to hide your stuff until you've gotten to know them better.
Otherwise be prepared to respond to negative comments with something
like: "I believe that a Submissive should be responsible and take
care of her own needs. I want a Dominant to guide me, but I do not need
him or her to rescue me."
There are lots of fun toys available that are inexpensive such as
candles, clothes pins, pinwheel, rope, silk scarves. Basically anything
that can produce a tactile sensation can be used in play. Ice,
Popsicles, wooden spoons, leather gloves, scrubbies, etc. The key thing
is to use your imagination and creativity. Domdra suggests using velvet
on one side of leftover paddle ball paddles to make an inexpensive and
soft paddle, She cautions that "Rabbit fur is readily available and
cheap, but cut it outdoors or you'll be sneezing all day." Susan
adds that, "The best toy for BDSM is the brain. When it comes down
to it, the thing that attracts is self confidence."
*The bag-o-toys article listed at the end and the link to The Frugal
Dominant includes many items that can be found around the house or make
yourself.
DATING
Single Dominants and Submissives can find dating quite a challenge
because of the costs involved with meeting multiple partners. The most
cost and time effective way to meet people in the scene is to go to BDSM
events. The second best option is go out for coffee, not for dinner,
which as the added advantage of allowing you to leave early if you're
bored. Some people feel that the Dominant should always pay because of
the inherent dynamics of money being a kind of power. However, your
prospective Dominant may not be wealthy and they may be dating actively,
which makes for a very expensive dating situation for them. Although it
can be sometimes awkward, it's a good idea to bring up the "who's
paying" issue before you get to your date. A friendly comment about
"going Dutch" will prevent embarrassment later on.
A similar issue comes up with male Dominants and female Submissives.
Many men, particularly those with a traditional upbringing assume they
will be paying for the date. It's also commonly assumed that the person
who asked for the date should pay. I recommend that female Submissives
make no such assumption. I have dated male Dominants who told me during
dinner that they expected me to pay half, after which it was far to late
for me to order a salad instead of an entree. During one date we
actually got to the cashier at the movie theatre before I realized he
expected me to pay for myself. It was an extremely awkward situation as
I was unemployed at the time and didn't even have $10. The best option
is to tell the Dominant about your financial circumstances early on.
Many Dominants will take this opportunity to offer to pay for the meal,
which is a very graceful thing to do.
GOING TO EVENTS
Going to BDSM event can become an expensive proposition if you are
traveling often. You will want to decide what your goals are and
optimize your time and money investment. If you are single, attend
events which are free or relatively inexpensive. If you go to large
events, choose munches over dressy balls because munches are usually in
public spaces and discourage fetish wear. Avoid traveling long distances
because the costs of hotels, food, and travel can add up. One great idea
suggested by Kiss was to volunteer your time at the event for a
discounted or free ticket and be sure to make friends when you travel so
you can stay at their homes instead of a hotel. Of course you'll want to
offer your home to them as well.
If you are going to local private parties, stock up on party appetizers
that you can bring along. Don't stop on the way to pick up party foods
because these will be more expensive.
SUGGESTIONS
Do you have suggestions or ideas for this column? Please send them to
Sadie at SensuousSadie@aol.com
The Fetish Wardrobe Series
The Auto Erotica Series
The Ultimate Toy Bag List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and
Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html
). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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