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A Fucking Top
All About "Topping from the Bottom"
and why I’m still doing it even though Dominants have been telling me
not to for years
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Some years back a Dominant I was with would kid me all the time about
how I was "Topping from the Bottom." He’d laugh and I’d giggle, and on
we’d go on with whatever we were doing. It wasn’t until months after
we’d broken up that I discovered that he actually had wanted me to
change my behavior. Being as I’m such a concrete person, all that
kidding around went right over my head. You might wonder why he didn’t
just come right out and ask me or tell me to do whatever it was (I sure
wondered after the fact) but I guess it doesn’t really matter now. The
question really is, what is "Topping from the Bottom?"
It seems somehow like everyone knows what this phrase means because it
gets thrown around so much, but like many things that are presumed to be
common knowledge, it actually isn’t. I’m going to look at some of the
flavors of it in this article, and explain why in most situations it
really doesn’t mean a whole lot of anything. That’s a strong statement I
know, and maybe coming from a Submissive it is ironically, kind of
toppy. But then, there you have it.
On the Extreme Ends
Let’s look at the extreme ends first so we can get our bearings. If
you’re in a Master/slave relationship, Topping from the Bottom (TFTB) is
pretty clear: if you don’t do what your Master says, whether it’s
bending over and taking it in the ass or standing on your head and
stacking BB’s, then you’re definitely TFTB. On the other end of the
spectrum, if you’re in a fairly casual D/s relationship, then it would
require something really major or dramatic to reach the definition of
TFTB; perhaps not only refusing to do what your Dominant orders, but
also giving them a lecture on how to do your way, which is
unquestionably the better way. Or rather, not only refusing to stand on
your head and stack BB’s, but providing a White Paper on best practices
for stacking (not the way your Dominant asked you to stack).
But here’s the thing, the majority of us are not residing on the
ends of the spectrum but in the middle of the bell curve there, and
therein lies the problem. How do you define Topping from the Bottom for
the majority of relationships that are fluid, changing, and made of real
people of varying levels of experience? I’ve personally never had a
Dominant sit down with me and define what it meant to him, and I’m
willing to bet you haven’t either. So, let’s talk about a couple of
situations I’ve been in that were probably TFTB, but as I saw it needed
to happen anyhow, which means that Topping from the Bottom isn’t all
that it’s cracked up to be, or all that bad after all.
Sadie Tops from the Bottom in Bondage
One evening my Dominant was tying me spread-eagled to the bed, or
trying anyhow. He had taken a workshop on rope bondage, but like many,
was discovering that tying a knot when you’re sitting in a workshop
doesn’t have much to do with tying one upside-down and backwards to the
corner of the bed. Not to mention his rope wasn’t the right kind: too
thin, too much friction, and the pieces were too long. I didn’t know
this because I was blindfolded. After about 25 minutes of laying there
hearing him fumble about, curse, and feeling my ankles being kind of
tied but awfully loosely, I realized that this session was not going to
happen. I wriggled my head out of the blindfold and looked over at him
and I could see that he was frustrated as all get out, so I suggested in
a gentle voice that we stop the scene and go get a cup of coffee, which
we did.
Was I Topping from the Bottom? Of course I was. I took control of the
situation because the situation was a mess. It would be nice if every
Dominant was fantastically skilled in every situation but you know what?
That’s not real life. Real people have to learn how to do things, and
sometimes those real Dominants learn that whatever it is – maybe rope
bondage – just isn’t their shtick. After our cappuccino we went back and
used velcro cuffs instead, and had a fine time.
Here’s another story, but a different Dominant. I was naked and spread
eagled again, but this time in the doorway with suspension cuffs (very
comfortable). My partner was sitting on the floor in front of me
preparing some ginger for our scene, which meant that he had a big piece
of it and was pealing it and cutting it to size. It turns out that this
procedure takes quite a while and during this 20 plus minutes I got
extremely cold, my arms fell asleep, and I got completely out of
subspace because he not only spent the entire time in ginger
preparation, but also chatted with me about all kinds of things from
where he got the ginger to what movie we might go see the next day. Even
after the 20 minutes I could see that the ginger still wasn’t ready (he
really should have done that before putting me in the doorway).
Eventually, I told him that I was freezing, my fingers were tingling,
and that I wasn’t even remotely in the mindspace for a scene. So, he
took me down and we watched a DVD and ate pizza instead.
Okay here we are again. Was I Topping from the Bottom by ending the
scene? Yes, of course I was. Would it have been better to stand there
freezing and uncomfortable and not having any fun? No, that is just
plain silly. I’m of the Ben & Jerry’s philosophy when it comes to BDSM
which is "if it’s not fun, why do it?" I also understand that Dominants
are real people and don’t always know how to set a scene, or how it will
affect their Submissive when they do certain things like hang out and
chat about movies, or leave them hung up so long their arms fall asleep.
It’s the job of the Submissive to give this information to a Dominant in
a caring respectful way. Unfortunately, I had to give a whole bunch of
pieces of this information to this Dominant at one time, and had to end
the scene (at least temporarily) while I was at it in order to provide
this information.
Wouldn’t it be nice if Dominants were perfect and all-knowing and didn’t
need any feedback or education?
No, This Isn’t Carte Blanch to Be Bossy from the Bottom (BFTB)
Now just so you know, in both cases I was deferential and courteous
in my interactions with those partners, but there is no question that I
did take the reins. This is something that happens most often when the
Submissive has more experience in general, or in a specific area than
their Dominant. It’s also one of the reasons that I generally avoid
dating novice Dominants. It’s one thing to give feedback when requested
or to occasionally have to be a little toppy in order to help things
along. But if I have to train my partner to be dominant, then the
dynamic between us is often compromised. When I am with my Dominant I
want the lines and boundaries to be clear, and if I have to switch into
a dominant mode myself constantly then I will not be able to focus on my
submissive self. This is the same reason that I am careful about dating
switch men, because I can often see (read: take advantage of) their
submissive side. Men who switch often have a stronger submissive spirit,
or that’s been my observation anyhow, and it’s often quite easy to push
them around. I don’t mean to, but I guess there’s just something in me
that seeks out those little cracks and crevasses to see what I can get
away with. Bad girl, I know.
And Then There’s Mentoring
Now, here’s another interesting way that I Top from the Bottom. My
friend Liam is a novice Dominant, but because he is such a remarkable
man, I have been attracted to engaging with him on several levels. He is
a Switch however, and as I’ve mentioned his submissive side sometimes
slips through when he’s with me. One of the things I’m doing with him is
mentoring him to fully enter his Dominant self, something which I’ve
done with several other dominant men with varying levels of success;
something along the lines of "be all you can be!" Why does a Dominant
need mentoring? Sometimes they are afraid they might hurt me physically
or emotionally, or that I won’t tell them if they go too far, or that
they’re not yet secure about their skills or a million other things that
they probably will never admit to. Even someone who is experienced might
need to be given permission by you as a Submissive to go for it. When I
see a Dominant who I believe has great potential but doesn’t have a
direction or focus for it, I try to help them see where to put that
direction and focus. I try to help them not just play at being a
Dominant, but fully enter the experience and be it.
One Dominant who I encouraged in this way told me outright that he
couldn’t do this; he didn’t want to attend to his dominance as a skill.
He didn’t want to put any energy into it, read about it, learn how to do
it well. He just wanted to go on doing it as he was and figured
everything would be fine. He’s probably doing it now just as he did
then, which was a pretty so-so job (think about those ropes getting all
tangled up), but then he probably will get a Submissive who doesn’t need
more than that. I need more than that, and maybe that’s why I Top from
the Bottom. Translation: Topping from the Bottom often means that the
Submissive is an engaged and active participant in the dynamic of the
D/s relationship with her Dominant. They are teaching each other,
respectively and respectfully.
What About When the Submissive is Ordered to Act Dominant?
Another flavor of the Topping from the Bottom scenario is when your
Dominant tells you, say, to do something that on the surface looks
dominant like fucking him in the ass with a strap on. Is this act
actually being dominant? Of course not, because any act in itself is not
dominant or submissive; what defines an act is what is being experienced
by the individual. So if you’re fucking your Dominant because he ordered
you to, then you’re still doing as he ordered, regardless of the actual
act.
Okay then What is Real Topping From the Bottom?
What’s the real thing then? And when is it really a problem? I believe
that real TFTB (the annoying kind) occurs when a Submissive consistently
does not want to do what her partner wants her to do and simultaneously
tells him how he should be acting as a Dominant. Let me be more
specific: I’m not referring to sitting down and discussing the
fact that the bondage scene went awry and how it could be fixed, or how
we might handle that ginger scene better next time for both of us. Those
kinds of conversations need to be had for both your sakes, or your
scenes and your relationship are going to heck and a handbasket.
But if you as a Submissive think that this scene would be better with
this kind of flogger instead of that one, or this position instead of
that one, or insist on doing the dishes this way instead of that way
when your Dominant has made it clear how they want it done then you
are erring on the side of TFTB. Oh and here’s the other part, your
Dominant has another responsibility, and that is to tell you in actual
concrete terms what it is they want. In the context of a BDSM
relationship, joking around and hoping that your Submissive is going to
magically know what you want is not acceptable. The only way to know
that your Submissive is going to do the dishes exactly how you want them
done is to say it, or show them how. If the Submissive insists on doing
it their way or telling you how you should do it, then you have a valid
case for TFTB and I hereby give you permission to do the I Told You
So Topping From the Bottom Dance.
So Submissives, here yee this. I am not giving you permission to boss
anyone around or pass out your White Papers on how to flog the Way You
Like It. But if your Dominant starts joking about Topping from the
Bottom, don’t giggle back as I did either. You might find yourself
without him six months from now and discovering that you were a complete
dimbulb and could have just asked him what it was he wanted exactly.
Yeah, and bring a notebook;
you know those Dominants, they’re a pretty bossy bunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual
Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow
Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose
& Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and
complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her
at SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is
abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance,
so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications
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