Why Consider another Relationship when Most of them were a Flop? s

Why Consider another Relationship when Most of them were a Flop?
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

This Series is on Hold
May - August, 2009
A Dominant with an Unfettered Heart; Sharing your own Great Gift
The Magician’s Misdirection; a Three-Card Monty about Missing the Message (not really about Vaughn, but mentions him)
Ownership in Symbolism and in Fact
It’s not a Power Exchange, It’s an Authority Exchange
Misguided Attempts to Explain BDSM to the Villagers
Why Consider another Relationship when Most of them were a Flop? (Not really about Vaughn, but mentions him)
Failure to Launch
Someone to Watch over Me
A Visit to Bizarro World

This series explores my relationship with Vaughn (a pseudonym), who had full editorial control and approval of this essay.

If you keep on doin’ what you always done, you’re gonna git what you always got.
~ Minnie Pearl

The other day I was chatting with my friend Marilyn about things in the relationship department (pretty much always in flux). I commented that based on the fact that most of my love relationships haven’t been much of a success, perhaps it might be a darn good idea to stop going down that road. After all, as Dr. Phil says: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." In this context that’s pretty depressing, isn’t it? But it does seem to be true more often than not.

In the last fifteen years or so I had four love relationships: Jeffrey, Griffin, Alejandro and one other; and maybe we can add Liam in there from after my move to Boston. The first two, Jeffrey and Griffin, had some pretty destructive mental illnesses, so I’ll leave it to you to imagine the hell I went through. Alejandro had serious issues with relationships, commitment, and sex. Fortunately since I moved to Boston, both Liam and Jeff (my protector, but not romantic) didn’t exhibit any mental issues. Nevertheless, a future was impossible due to their peculiar engagement with the poly arena.

Just so it’s clear, I’m not saying that these relationships were without love, joy, or good times. Rather, it seems that in the aggregate, I spent more time recovering than they were worth. For example, I was with Griffin for just over a year, but it took me well over a year to work though the depression that followed. Considering all that, the sixty-four thousand dollar question would be: why suppose that things might be any different now?

Minnie Pearl, who appears to be related to Dr. Phil, famously said: "If you keep on doin’ what you always done, you’re gonna git what you always got." I might reply to Minnie that moving to Boston was my way of not doin’ what I always done. I chose Boston in part because of the much larger BDSM community, which translates into a broader base of experienced single Dominants. I also made a conscious decision to dial back my Sensuous Sadie profile, if you will. Part two in the dialing it back department is that I’m trying to allow my emotions and vulnerability to show more, so that I’ll attract partners who are a better match for the real me, as opposed to the public me And finally, since I’ve moved here, I have moved from dating men who are more oriented toward being a Dominant, to those who are Masters.

Will all this make a measurable difference in my success rate in relationships? Or do you suppose that the core of who I am ultimately defines how I move through the world? Could these efforts be no more life changing than not forgetting to take out the garbage?

Interestingly, my lover relationships – the ones with affection and sex but not romantic love – have been far more successful. In that same 15 years I’ve also had three lovers: Alberto, Bruce, and Michael, all of whom lasted three to seven years, and I didn’t lose any sleep when we separated. It sounds like I’ve had sex up and down and sideways, but in fact most of these men were once-a-month kinda guys. Bothersome indeed as I could use a lot more than that. Despite my ability to sustain relatively emotionally undemanding relationships, could healthy long-term relationships be beyond my ken? Unfortunately, the data isn’t in yet. Heck, I may not really be able to say until I’m on my deathbed.

Because of this conundrum, I’ve occasionally considered giving up on the whole romantic love thing. If I had a failure rate this high in any other area of my life, I’d have moved on to other things a long time ago. For example, I’m not an effective facilitator because I’m impatient and sometimes get outright crabby. Once I figured this out, I stopped doing it. Another example might be that I’ve long wanted to be able to read music and have given violin, guitar, and the piano a whirl, the last one twice! For whatever reason, I have a mental block about reading music, and so I channeled my energies elsewhere. Smart folks make the best of what they’ve got, and don’t bang their head against the wall unnecessarily.

Are facilitating or reading music analogous to the pursuit of romantic love? Probably not, so perhaps all of that is irrelevant. In fact, I suspect that activities of the heart may be unique by definition; and our libido predispositions us to keep trying for love, sex, and nurturing. There is after all a genetic requirement to perpetuate the race, even if that’s not quite exactly what we’re doing most of the time we’re in bed. As much as I’d like to make a rational decision to just stop, I’ve found myself unable to do that. I need love. I need sex. I can’t turn it off.

You might wonder then where this is all leading and why it’s come up now, just seven months into living in my new home. The reason of course is my ruminations on moving along a D/s path with Vaughn, although what that direction will be is not yet clear. On the one hand, considering the data so for, he and I are likely to do quite well together since we’re not romantically involved.

But suppose, just suppose something more developed? You never really know when the funky head of love might pop up. From this early perspective I would imagine that we aren’t a good match, being as we’re so opposite in so many things. What kind of opposites? Well… okay, here’s the most widely spaced things: He’s extroverted and loves people, and I’m introverted, perhaps even a misanthropist. He’s into public play, and lots of it, and I’m deeply private about my sex life. He loves to teach and facilitate, and I hate it. He’s loose and relaxed, and I’m neat and organized to a fault. He is intuitive and emotionally oriented, and I am analytical and goal oriented. He dresses, well, a bit peculiarly, and I dress to impress.

Sound kind of depressing unless you really believe in that opposites attract thing working long term, which I do not. That said, there is a convincing argument that none of those things matter in the least, although of course that depends on what you’re planning to do together. If I expected to ever move in with him, they would be dealbreakers. Otherwise, not.

It’s not all opposites attract however, we do have intellect and a love of pursuing ideas in common. We have parity in experience, and are both confident, even arrogant. But most importantly is that most opposite thing. Vaughn is nurturing, spiritual, and heart-oriented, things which draw me deeply. I haven’t ever had much of being cared for, not when I was young and even less as an uber competent adult. Being around people like Vaughn is like a long cool drink of water on a hot hot summer day. He quenches my thirst.

So, is the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior? Well yes, probably. On the other hand, if the bad stuff from the past is likely to be repeated, so is the good stuff. My partners have all been exceptionally kind and loving, and most of them were superb lovers. If that’s all I can expect for the rest of my life based on the predictor business, well then that’s not so bad for a life lived. As for the awful relationship aftermaths, well then I guess I’ll just have to appreciate that at least I get a heck of a lot of columns out of it.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications